I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
