went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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