Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
