so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
