Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
