who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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