Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
