My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
