I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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