I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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