He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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