I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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