I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
