You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
