dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
They took my balls.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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