I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
