My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just gargled with NyQuil
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
