i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
