I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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