My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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