Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
