Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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