Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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