i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
