Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
