mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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