I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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