Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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