If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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