Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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