Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
