I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
