Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
