dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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