I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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