I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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