I will die if light touches me.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
