Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
