I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
