I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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