theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
