So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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