so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
