I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
