dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
