I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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