Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
