if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
