she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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