remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
