i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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