hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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